Trump Sadly Announces A Dog Ate The Epstein Files And Then The Dog Was Lost In A Boating Accident And Then The Boat Was Nuked

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump had been looking forward to releasing all of the Epstein files in accordance with Congress's "Epstein Files Transparency Act", but reported that a dog actually ate the files, the dog was then lost in a boating accident, and then the boat was struck with a nuclear warhead.